The Healing Power Within: Carla Speaks Again; Chapter Three

"I just finished a Reiki Fusion  session with Cynthia. It was very tough for me. It surprised me with how quickly I began to see images within. It began with more of a feeling, like pure energy being held in a box.

But then I saw swirly party ribbons with long white balloons that had bright flowers on them. They were all over the place and moving with the energy that I was feeling within. Cynthia asked me what else I saw, and I told her the box was present again. She asked me what it looked like, if it was still black like it was before. It wasn’t. It was a decorative dark wooden box this time. I told her about it. It was filled with light, bursting at the seams. It seemed like it was a party in a box and I could feel the energy it was emitting. The energy was everywhere. That was what was moving the ribbons and balloons as well.

As I watched I noticed my smaller self appear in the corner of my consciousness. She was smiling and almost eager to explore what was happening. She walked confidently down the hill she was standing on, (for some reason she always appears on a hill), and entered the area with the ribbons. She was happy and smiling, turned her face up toward the ribbons and laughed out loud. Then she gathered ribbons in both hands and started spinning and dancing as she continued to laugh. She was filled with this happiness. She was bursting with this energy and felt the need to run. There was a field that opened up before her as she started to run. It was a big green grassy field. It felt so good to run and laugh and feel the happy energy pulsing through her. Running helped her expel a lot of the built up energy. This is energy that I have been feeling for bout a week. I have wanted to just up and start running, so it felt good to do it in my subconscious.

 

She didn’t forget about the box, nor was she running away from it. As she started thinking about it, she felt herself heading back towards it. As she approached it, she knew that one single touch from her finger would open the box. She reached her arm out, stretching her finger slowly towards the box, anticipating what would happen once the light was freed.

 

Once her finger touched it, the box collapsed open, laying flat and the light exploded into the space. The bottom of the box was open, allowing the light and sparkles and ribbons and balloons to continuously flow into the space.

 

My smaller self sat down and laid back to watch the light flow all over the space. she closed her eyes with a smile on her face as she felt glittery light rain over her. She was happy and felt it deep down within.

Then something happened that changed everything. A person appeared. Someone my younger self did not want to see. I immediately began to fight this feeling of this person’s appearance. I became uncomfortable and upset. I told Cynthia that this was making me feel emotional and I could feel the heat in my eyes as tears began to build up. I didn’t want to feel this way. I didn’t want to see this person. My younger self told her, “I don’t want you here”. I didn’t want to cry because of her presence.

Cynthia encouraged everything to happen. I still didn’t want to. She asked me to describe the person. I didn’t want to. I said I wanted her to go. Just thinking about saying who it was made my face hot with emotion.

She asked me again. I told her who it was. “It’s my mother”. Saying that took courage and made me want to release all kinds of emotion, but I couldn’t. Cynthia asked me what she looked like. I couldn’t see her face. Only a representation of a body and her hair. Then I could not see things very well. The clear images began to get fuzzy. I felt myself closing up because of the appearance of this person. I said this to Cynthia and she explained that I was slowing down the experience in my mind. She continued to encourage me to describe what I saw when I saw something.

 

Slowly I started to see my younger self again. She was angry. She was making a very angry face. This is new, I thought, because growing up I never allowed myself to feel angry. Just thankful that my dad decided to keep me. Looking at my younger self, I was proud that she was actually allowing herself to react with her feelings. She was really angry and she looked at the person with all her rage.

The person did not move, just stood there. Cynthia asked if there was anything that she wanted to say to the person. YES!!! I felt like screaming out, but I didn’t, because I wanted the answer to be no. Then things began to get fuzzy again. I mentioned that and we just waited for me to focus within again. Slowly the words, "How could you?", “I don’t want you here” and “I don’t like you” began to develop in my smaller self’s mind.

Cynthia reminded me of the strong, younger me who opened the dark box and danced in the light. The strength and confidence were there. I didn’t have to disappear just because that person was present.

 

So, my younger self began to breathe deeper and held her head up higher and higher. Her back straightened and she began to feel the strength and confidence that she knew was there. “I DON’T WANT YOU HERE!” She said it and it felt weird. She felt confused, because she wasn’t supposed to be feeling this way about this person. Then she got sad. She began to wish that she didn’t have these issues, that she actually grew up in a home with a mom and dad who loved her unconditionally. Who would she have been?

 

I began to feel the heat of tears building up again and I didn’t like it, so things became fuzzy again. I realized that every time I felt my emotions were about to release, I would get fuzzy and try to close things down. Cynthia was on to me, though, so she acknowledged it and then we would patiently wait for it to continue.

 

When I could see things again, my younger self was sad. Cynthia suggested I go over and hug little me so I did. Then she asked how does she feel? “She doesn’t”. What about me? How did I feel? I didn’t feel anything, no connection. I was just overwhelmingly uncomfortable.

 

I started pushing my thumb nail into my fingertips on my left hand at some point during the session. At this point, I was so uncomfortable feeling these feelings that I have buried for so long, that I started pressing it harder and harder until it hurt. I found that little bit of pain distracted me from feeling the emotional pain that kept threatening to overflow.

 

This whole time, that person just stood there. Cynthia said that she was just standing there taking it. Whatever I said, she was not moving, just taking it and not running away. Even though I was angry and emotional, it felt good to hear that. She was not running away.

 

I wanted her to go away, though. I could feel it deep down within. I wanted to get away from this person and my younger self told her so. “I want you to leave!” but she wouldn’t. After feeling frustrated, I realized that the person wasn’t leaving because she didn’t want to. So I told her she could come back some time, but she needed to go now. Slowly the figure receded into darkness.

 

Then it was over. As I sat up, I realized I had been crying and my nose was stuffy. I was overwhelmed by the session, but knew that I had reached somewhere deep within and tapped into a part of my subconscious that has been locked up for a long time. The idea of releasing my emotions in that area scares me. My younger self was scared and I felt scared. Hopefully I will have the courage to let it go soon. I can only imagine how different my life will be once I have released all that emotional baggage."

Carla's courage inspires.  She is discovering her capacity to dig deep so she can release the demons, and come to innocence and joy.  She is on her way!